Who have I become?

I remember sitting in my room one night after I had just got home from smoking weed and drinking a little too much with a group of people that I had convinced myself were real friends. I was about nineteen years old and still trying to navigate my purpose in life as most of us do. As I sat in my bed and stared at the wall with glossy eyes and tears beginning to stream down my face, I remember thinking to myself, "This is hopeless." I then walked into the bathroom and proceeded to look at myself mirror. I remember being confused at who I saw staring back at me. 

"This isn't me," 

I mumbled under my breath.

"Who have I become?" 

I thought to myself. 

I had been going down this dark road for quite some time now. I wasn't the person God created me to be. I was doing things I swore I'd never do, I was becoming a person I swore I'd never become, I was spending time with people I swore I'd never spend time with, and I was digging myself a hole that eventually felt too deep to climb out of. I had convinced myself that there was no way out of this darkness. I felt stuck. I was depressed, lonely, searching for worth in all the wrong places, and I was sure that God wanted nothing to do with me. 

We all go through dark times. 

Depression does that to you. Anxiety can do that to you. Darkness can do that to you. You begin convincing yourself that darkness actually means hopelessness. But it doesn't. This couldn't be any farther from the truth. The reality is we all go through dark times in life. And although our darkness may look and feel different depending on the person, this doesn't make hope any less obtainable, no matter how broken and lifeless one may feel. 

Hopeless is how I spent most of my life. But what I perceived as hopelessness was actually just darkness in disguise. It wasn't until I learned to drop my guard, admit that it was okay to not be okay, share my hurt with others, and grab hold of God that things started to change for me. The darkness started to subside, and hope began infiltrating every crevice of my life. It wasn't immediate. It took time. And nor did it prevent darkness from trying to control me on a daily basis. But it was there, and it was present. 

Hope is one of those things we can't outrun no matter how quick and witty we think we are. It's always one step ahead of us, waiting to be seen and grabbed hold of.  God's love, regardless if you believe in it or not, is a light in dark and weary times. It's a lighthouse to a ship lost in a sea of colossal waves, and life-raft for those who are sinking. 

Hope is available.

Your life has a purpose no matter how broken you think it may be. And although "darkness" is something you might struggle with throughout your life, you must always remember that the hope of God is their to grab hold of in times of need. 

—Jarrid Wilson